Submitted Date 08/12/2020

August 12, 2020

In a long-awaited and well overdue decision by the Detroit Police Department last week, officers will be trading in their standard police issued tactical boots for a new style of footwear.

The decision came after another round of reports leaked last Friday. Criminals easily hear the clickety-click of boots on tile or concrete from several hundred feet away, allowing the perpetrators of mayhem to continue to escape.

The news comes as a welcome response from officers. Whether stepping on tile or concrete, the tell-tale click was so pervasive that the officers really had no chance.

Ted Meyer, beat cop for the lower 3rd precinct had been stumping for softer shoes for years. "I kept telling them over and over that we were clicking, man, clicking. We sounded like a drum major hauling down the pavement. Thugs and bad guys could hear us from a mile away."

Commander Frankie Ploun also lauded the decision. "Our beat cops haven't caught a criminal in over six years. The ones we have caught were either by accident or ones our cruisers ran down and pinned against buildings. It was time for a change."

Mayor Duggan was the first to announce the change. From the steps of the Mayor's office, he dramatically laid out the changes. "No longer will our women and men in blue click. The clicking has been cut, halted. It is no more."

In a moment of wild anticipation, and to the gasps of the press and curious alike, Mayor Duggan raised from behind the podium a pair of leather moccasins.

Duggan continued. "These are no ordinary moccasins. These are Coppasins, the latest in tactical police gear. Coppasins combine the latest technology in rough, all-weather utility with stealthy silence. As a matter of fact, I'm wearing them right now."

Mayor Duggan stepped from behind the podium and showed off a pair of thick, leather moccasins gaily festooned with beaded tassels and a Detroit PD emblem emblazoned in Detroit Lion powder blue beads.

Duggan further illustrated the furtive footwear by calling up his niece from the crowd, Helen Pierce. From inside the podium, Duggan hauled out a cassette player and pressed play. "Singing in the Rain" started and young Helen Pierce danced up a storm in a brilliant tap-dancing routine from which absolutely no sound emanated.

To cheers, Duggan concluded by stating, "All officers will be issued their new footwear at the beginning of their shifts, starting today."

But have the Coppasins helped since the announcement last week? According to numerous sources, they've been a game-changer.

Officer Joey Bellows praised the Coppasins. "Me and my partner sneaked up on a drug deal in progress. We busted them. We were like ninjas, man. They never even heard us."

Tyson Lewis, Commander of S.W.A.T. 1, extolled the move. "Over on 8th street, our S.W.A.T. unit blew open the doors of a prostitution ring. Man, it was awesome to see the looks on their faces. When we busted through the doors, they had to have been thinking that it was a rival gang, and when they saw that it was officers, their faces dropped. They were so incredulous that it was the police."

However, the recently incarcerated haven't been so happy. Career criminal and petty thief Dellin Whitmore was trying to steal a set of rims when officers caught him in the act. "It was incredible. Had they been wearing normal pig boots, I'd have heard them from two blocks away. Not this time. I was plucking a rim off a Civic when two hands gripped me and wheeled me around. Damn. It was the Po-po. I was so shocked all I could get out was, 'touche, man, touche. You got me.' All my homies are now on high alert."

In the past week, the number of incarcerated has increased ten-fold, and bail-bondsmen are back in business. Jeremiah Stokes of 24-7 Bail was ecstatic. "We hadn't had a customer in years. All of a sudden we have had to turn away good, hard-working criminals for their bail. We haven't upgraded our systems in five years, so all of this has been a lot of paperwork."

Judges, lawyers, and the whole judicial system is abuzz again. Stenographer Stephanie Granderson had been temping the last twelve years as a median-priced call girl. "It'll be good to use my fingers again for twiddling those keys again instead of Johns. Though I'll miss some of my regulars, this is a really good thing for me. My husband and kids can look at me with pride again."

If Coppasins pan out in Detroit, look for a nation-wide shift toward the supple-soled footgear, and Detroit criminals better beware because the Coppasins are here.


I've never told a truth in my life.  And OJ Simpson is a killer.


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