Users Who Spiked
WALMART EMPLOYEE FINDS SALIVA STAIN ON MASK IN THE IMAGE OF THE VIRGIN MARY.
August 11, 2020
The Faithful Flock in Hopes for the Spiritual Spray.
During his thirty-minute lunch break on Wednesday, Herv Nottlesack of Loogootee, Indiana was shocked when he removed his mask and found a brown saliva stain in the perfect image of the Virgin Mary.
Nottlesack immediately showed co-workers. Every one of them agreed that it was the spitting image of the Lord Savior's Mother. "I was blown away," a euphoric Nottlesack gushed. "I only had one pinch of Copenhagen earlier that morning. And I remember my spit cup was near plum full from the previous week's chews, so I removed my mask and spit behind the adult diapers. There was no stain at that point on the mask, so I'm not sure how it got there other than divine intervention."
Judy Spandhole, Support Manager and morning shift cheerleader, responded with jubilancy. "When he showed me the Holy Mother I gasped. I could barely contain myself. I snatched the strings on his smock and jerked him into the defunct photo box and kissed him hard hoping for some holy spit, and for a guy with that few teeth, it was quite a kiss. You see, I had been diagnosed by Dr. Heidekker with Pork's Disease. I think I was healed."
The kiss and its consequences sparked a colossal movement. From near and far the faithful have been pilgrimaging to the Walmart to get spit on by Nottlesack.
"They've set me up with a sweet little throne near the Electronics Department," stated Nottelsack. "They got those movie theater rope barrier thingies and everything. I sit, or sometimes stand, and as they pass by I pucker up and let loose the holy juice. My aim has always been pretty good, so I don't worry so much about missing my target."
When asked how he's holding up to the rigors of being a holy man, Nottlesack shrugged it off. "My diet's off a bit as I've been surviving on Copenhagen, Gatorade, and sunflower seeds, but it's a small price to pay for the good work I'm doing."
The testimonies have been pouring in from the tri-state area.
Running through the parking lot with fists raised in triumph and with a lump in his overhauls, Earl Gumpy left the store ecstatic and out of breath as he jogged breathlessly to his Kia. "Damn the Viagra. Getting spit on got me revved like nothing ever. Look out Lucy, because this old man is coming home!"
Geoffry Fortwat, of Cincinnati, claims he was healed of his cataracts. "It happened in scripture, Jesus spit plenty of times and healed folks. My cataracts are better and I also got a new shovel."
Denice Flewscok and her family of four from Indianapolis drove nearly two hours for the divine dusting. "My son's got asthma, daughter's pregnant, husband's got a gambling addiction, and I need this goiter gone. Let's hope he's on the heavy cycle when the family passes through."
After two weeks, Nottelsack's popularity hasn't waned a bit, and this has only emboldened the 46-year-old shelver. "I had read about this kind of thing and the powers that come with such an image, and I thought, what kind of superman will I become? And after a couple of weeks, I now know who I am. I'm Spitterman! I don't need no webs or superhuman strength. I got the spit that's legit."
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