LOST IN THE GAP

Lost in the Gap

No, Kate isn't trying desperately to find age-appropriate clothing in an outlet at the mall. It's the spot she never walked out of without finding a pair of jeans in the latest cut when she was younger. Kate even remembers buying a thong or two from the underwear drawer. Now she goes for the briefs and a bag of six from Target makes more sense. She walks out with a blue and white bag for old times sake with a black t-shirt.

Kate’s problems involve a more complicated gap, the generation gap. The term induces visions of a cranky teen and her out of date mother; the kind you see in movies. This mother dresses wrong, speaks in an outdated vernacular and brings up how she managed to make it through her informative years with less privilege. Kate does indeed have a couple of teenagers but also an 85-year-old mother, whose physical health is excellent. Kate has often been told she’s in the sandwich generation, but this term is too cute for the pressure, social awkwardness and danger this presents.

According to the US Census Bureau (2010), Kate is in the middle of the 45-65-year-old age group that is 26% of the population and growing. Dear old Mom is part of the approximately 13% and rising, as well. While demographics rise so does Kate’s blood pressure.

The pressure Kate feels palpably to take care of her mother Jane without letting her know she’s being cared for is the tricky part. Kate turns off the stove which is left on 3-4 times per week. The gas blue flames are always on low – a slow burn. The chances are slim that the house will burn down but those chances exist. Memory at 50 isn’t what it used to be but now Kate has the additional burden of remembering for two. Jane doesn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s but forgets blocks of conversations and promises she’s made to the grandchildren. Kate picks up this slack without notice from the teenagers or the octogenarian.

Kate is lost in the gap.

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“Yeah, I live with my mother,” Kate says to someone she’s just met. Assumptions are made immediately. It registers in their eyes. Who is this freeloading woman, still living with her mother? Must have been a bad marriage or a financial catastrophe. Was it drugs that caused Kate to end up with mom?

Kate should have said my mother lives with me but that would give someone the wrong impression of Jane. It’s her filial duty to take care of Jane, and that includes her reputation.

It happens every day to Kate. It gets worse when an eligible man enters her orbit and she has to explain her living situation. When it's time for a sleepover, awkwardness peaks as Kate explains the teenagers and mom will be milling about the house. Yes, Jane tries to stay out of her way and the teenagers think anything mom does behind closed doors is gross. Perhaps, it matters most to Kate, but the awkwardness exists, if only in her own mind.

Kate has to navigate home life as if her mother is watching because she is. This casts a pallor over the natural rhythms of Kate’s life. Jane can’t help but mothering even when that job with Kate has long been relinquished.

Kate is lost in the gap.

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Raising two children with the outside influence of their father is never easy. Mom and Dad compete to be the better parent – don’t deny this co-parenters, you know it’s true. Kate overcompensates and allows attire choices from her daughter that Dad would never allow. Dad jets the kids to Hawaii for vacation. Over the years, both parents have accepted this rivalry and the kids learned to take advantage of this situation.

Enter Jane and the carefully calibrated metric is thrown off balance. Although Jane is “parented” by Kate in many ways, she still craves control and here she’s found it. It isn’t slipping the 16-year old an extra $20 or allowing extra screen-time for the boy, it’s more troublesome. It’s depression, anxiety and the use of medications that can ameliorate these real illnesses. She tells them that it’s all hogwash and she’ll provide the only therapy needed. This plants a seed in the young minds of Kate’s children – better called a weed. It’s not 1958 and acting as if it is, regarding mental health, is dangerous.

Kate rejects the ideas but when does one stop listening to mom.

Kate feels as if she’s losing control and she’s lost in the gap.