Submitted Date 08/15/2022

Believe it or not, I've had to struggle with depression and anxiety growing up for many reasons. One of the reasons was puberty growing up changing getting to know yourself I struggle with this for many years, then to top it off I had to learn how to grieve after my great-grandmother's death. I was not prepared for any of this but, who is truly ever prepared for life's challenges, I'm thinking not everyone! Right? Well around this time I fell into this deep depressive hole because I couldn't handle my emotions I had no clue on how to deal with pain nor did I want to. I learned that the harder you push pain the harder it's going to push back and take you to a numb state which was the worst for me. I lost count of how many hospitals stays for feeling worthless and empty, I truly wanted to die but someone up there didn't agree with me so every attempt failed. Furthermore, I remember my final attempt in 2003 I was completely lost but due to a dream in the in-between, I made up my mind and promise that I wouldn't try anything anymore.

I remember they gave me pills and therapy, but nothing would help the pain or the worthless feeling I had. So, I started stuffing and numbing, focusing on work. But it was obvious that it wasn't working either I went into relationships that I was not prepared for, and maybe I shouldn't of, now that I think about it! But I do not regret the outcome of my last relationship because It brought me back to an issue I've been stuffing and holding for a long time. It was my worst enemy I hated it I never wanted to face it always running from it. "My enemy was pain"! So, the cup of water started spilling. After my relationship destroyed, I suffered a severe accident and near-death experience that gave me new eyes to look at life. Oh, but no, I still wanted to push back at this time, but it was impossible, the change was not only physical but emotional. I was deeply hurt I lost my ability to walk on my own, my agility, the strength of my left hand, and a lot of physical pain. I couldn't go back to working on what I used to love, I was unable to perform my physical hobbies anymore. Not only that, but I didn't have much support from my family or friends. Likewise, I decided to move to my place.

There is where my true struggle begins. Completely alone to think and feel and reminisce on past mistakes, you either go crazy or you open your mind and get to know yourself better. I definitely got to know myself better than anyone else. This time when I went seeking for therapy I ask questions I wanted to know how do you fix yourself, and how do you deal with toxic people that have hurt you. "I didn't become this way on my own". I also started reading and watching different research on topics like vulnerability, pain, anger, verbal abuse physical abuse, and my mind just started expanding the more I read, the more I understood myself, and the people around me. One of my two last therapists I ask how do you know you've been cured of depression, her answer was by changing your subconscious. So, after leaving my session, the first thing I did was start searching for books and research on the topic I wanted to understand. To my surprise, it was true! I'm not going to lie, I felt stupid. I always went to therapy complaining and talking about my problems, never did I ever ask how do you fix it. My other therapist after telling her my near-death experience and explaining how I didn't feel the same any more she answered by telling me you experience a "spiritual awakening"? I was like, WTF is that?

She tried to explain, but I was confused and shocked, I was not expecting that answer. As soon as our session was over, I did the same thing, I started researching the spiritual awakening meaning. That just open the door to understanding myself even more. With all this said, my opinion of therapists is that they give you the tools to fix yourself, you do the work on your own. Therapists or doctors don't have a magic wand or pill to fix you and make everything disappear. You must want the tools to overcome life's hurdles. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I concluded that I was not ready for change; therefore I was stuck in a loop of negativity dwelling and feeling sorry for myself. To those that want change, I recommend you to look within not without and stop blaming others for your issues and first take a look at yourself. Find yourself a good therapist that listens to you and gives you the right tools to work on you.



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