Submitted Date 03/19/2019

Social anxiety is a pretty messed up thing to live with. I read this meme once that said social anxiety is like having conspiracy theories about yourself, and that could not be more accurate. Well, it wasn’t really a meme. It was one of those pictures of words on a plain white background. What are those called? Are they still memes if there isn’t a picture to accompany the words? Whatever. That’s beside the point.

Social anxiety sucks. I remember back when I was in elementary school and I would be too anxious to go up and sharpen my pencil or raise my hand to go to the bathroom. I had some baseless fear that everyone would stare at me and judge me or something. So I’d dig the dull rounded end of my pencil into the paper, forcing the little bulb of led to continue writing, and I’d press my knees together underneath my desk, constricting my bladder and trying to think about something, anything other than how badly I had to pee.

I realize as I’m writing this how insane that sounds, but that’s social anxiety. It makes you feel truly insane sometimes. Your brain convinces you of things that are most likely not true, but once that thought is planted in your mind, no amount of logic or reasoning can convince you otherwise. You convince yourself that no one actually likes you, so when a friend asks you to hang out it must just be them trying to be nice because they feel bad for you or something. A pity invite.

I’ve turned down many invites to hang out with people for this very reason. Fear that they don’t actually like me or want to spend time with me. Fear that if I go hang out with them, I’ll say something stupid and make a fool out of myself, or even worse that I won’t be able to come up with anything to say at all. So I turn down invites, cancel plans, make up excuses as to why I can’t go, and then get upset when I see friends post on social media all hanging out together without me there.

Trying to explain social anxiety to someone who doesn’t live with it usually ends up sounding like the ramblings of a crazy person. When I would try explaining it to my ex-boyfriend for example and tell him how I want to make more of an effort to hang out with people, he’d always say, “okay well, just do it” as if he was sponsored by Nike or something. If “just doing it” was really that easy, wouldn’t I have just done it by now? But in his non-socially anxious mind, it really is that easy, so he was never fully able to understand how difficult it is for me.

I know how irrational these thoughts probably are, but despite knowing that, I still can’t seem to turn them off. It’s kind of like living in a state of constant paranoia. This inability to shut your brain off can be pretty distracting sometimes.

Like when I’ve had a long day and am exhausted, but then as soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain decides to recall the time I mispronounced the word “melancholy” in the middle of my Advanced Fiction class a year and a half ago. It’s only been a year and a half, so clearly everyone from that class still remembers. They probably still think about it and laugh to themselves about how stupid I sounded. And then before I know it, it’s been an hour of me tossing and turning in bed, unable to get comfortable, unable to shut my mind off. That’s social anxiety.

Social anxiety is not wanting to try a weight machine at the gym that you haven’t used before out of fear that everyone will watch you struggle to figure out how it works. Social anxiety is the inability to be yourself around other people because you get so stuck inside your own head that it’s nearly impossible for you to let your guard down and just be you. Social anxiety is that churning feeling in your stomach when you actually go to that party that you were invited to and end up standing on the outskirts of a group having a conversation that you don’t know how to be a part of. Social anxiety is never reaching out first because you feel that you’d just be annoying that person by messaging them. Social anxiety is the panic that shoots down your spine any time you receive a phone call. Social anxiety is not making that doctor’s appointment even though you need to because you just can’t. Social anxiety is feeling dread over things that most people consider normal tasks or events. Social anxiety is feeling alienated.

I wish that I could end this post by sharing some secret remedy or quick fix that I’ve found through living with social anxiety for so long, but I can’t because I haven’t. I tried going to therapy once and she just told me basically the same thing that my ex did. “Just put yourself out there. Just try.” As if it were that easy. As if all I needed all this time was a few words of encouragement. I stopped seeing her after five sessions.

The only thing that’s really even began to help me is to just accept that this is how my brain works. Once you accept it, it’s slightly easier to deal with it. Another thing that helps is to try and not surround yourself with people who are going to judge you or get angry with you for having social anxiety, because that will only make it worse. They may not fully understand what it is you’re going through, but they should at least try to empathize with you as much as they can. And if you do know someone else who struggles with it too, talk to them about it. Trust me, it feels so great to describe what you’re feeling to someone and for them to actually say they understand and feel the same way. So while I don’t have any tips on how to get rid of social anxiety, I would highly suggest doing your best to just accept that this part of who you are. That’s what I’ve done and it’s honestly helped me out a lot.


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  • Tomas Chough 5 years, 3 months ago

    Interesting read Alexis! Social anxiety is definitely something I've struggled with. What helped me more than accepting I had it, was accepting myself (or at least working towards doing so). This also may seem like a "just do it" thing, but it really made a difference. I think that if we can fully accept ourselves, we have nothing to worry about. It won't matter what people think or how we look to them. If we love ourselves and put our well being first, all those external things get a lot quieter. It's super hard and I work on it every day, but this perspective has helped me a lot. Anyways, just my personal experience. Thanks for sharing!

    • Alexis Bowe 5 years, 3 months ago

      I definitely know what you mean! I feel like as I've grown older and gotten more comfortable with and accepting of myself, it's definitely helped a lot. Some days are better than others, but it's not an overnight solution. It's definitely something you have to continuously work at! Thanks for sharing your experience :)

  • Haley Clark 5 years, 3 months ago

    Me too. <3

  • David Ross Washington Jr 5 years, 3 months ago

    Social anxiety sucks. I remember back when I was in elementary school and I would be too anxious to go up and sharpen my pencil or raise my hand to go to the bathroom
    This was so me. A good part of it was because I was overweight too. I also did not like raising my hand to participate in class, when I knew the answer to the questions at hand, or may have really wanted to participate. I didn't know I really had bad social anxiety until college when I did a presentation for my speech class at the time, and it literally came over me out of nowhere as I started my speech. I prepared and everything, but it just took me over and down. I began shaking, fumbling over my words, it was bad, and I felt so bad afterwards.

    • Alexis Bowe 5 years, 3 months ago

      I've definitely been there! My body tends to start shaking during any public speaking thing too no matter how much I've prepared. I feel like doing it more is the one thing that's helped me personally.

  • David Ross Washington Jr 5 years, 3 months ago

    I know how irrational these thoughts probably are, but despite knowing that, I still can’t seem to turn them off. It’s kind of like living in a state of constant paranoia. This inability to shut your brain off can be pretty distracting sometimes.
    I researched in college when it started getting in the way of my presentations that the best way to go about it, is to accept that bad things are going to happen, and that it's okay, and you can always change/adapt to the fumble while it's happening. This was basically for speeches/presentations, but still. Prior to that I read one that told me basically that to just think positive and release the thoughts that nothing is going to happen, and that was a train wreck, it made it happen, and worse. The good advice also said, most people don't notice (or potentially care), they only notice if you say something about it. This is pretty true. Happened to me in class. I announced I had the anxiety, and afterwards my professor said, "David you don't have to say that, you were doing good." She told me the same thing I just said above (the previous sentence). However, me like putting that disclaimer out there really helped me break the ice of my anxiety. I just remember to not take things so seriously and to just be me. Most times I always thought people don't care, and some might not. But you know what, neither do I care about most people, so just be myself and let those who like me (And my social interactions) like me. That helped me so much. Another thing that helped me so much, like back in high school and still to this day is, "you're not going to die." Like, "you're going to still be here afterwards," so it's like is it still going to be that bad. I'm going to have my comfort of going back to my room, watching anime, playing video games, talking to my friends, etc. So it's like remember that it's just a moment, it's not forever (those anxious moments). My way to describe social anxiety, as you have done so greatly is, Social anxiety is, never wanting to make those important phone calls, or do any over-the-phone positions even though you're so great at verbally communicating. It's the worst with me. GREAT ARTICLE Alexis. This really touched me. Hope you are really growing with your anxiety.

    • Alexis Bowe 5 years, 3 months ago

      Thank you for sharing your experience and the advice that helped you out! I agree, that taking a step back to sort of rationalize with yourself can be helpful for sure.

  • Loretta Stradley 5 years, 2 months ago

    It's a constant battle for me to go out among people. Even to my friend's house for get togethers. Thanks for writing.

  • Miranda Fotia 5 years, 2 months ago

    Very relatable! Thanks for sharing!

  • No name 5 years, 1 month ago

    Coming to a form of self-acceptance over the years has been difficult. You have to know your limitations but also when to push past your boundaries. Great piece!

  • Tony Bell 4 months, 3 weeks ago

    Thank you for uploading this; I think it's brave of you. I also think it's important to share this kind of thing, both as support to others who experience it and to help those who don't, to understand. I relate to much if what you describe, especially how it affected you as a child. Fortunately, with age and experience (I'm now in my 50s) I am mostly able to rise above social anxiety in most everyday situations). That being said, the feelings have never departed, just my ability to act despite them has improved.