STRUGGLING TO DREAM

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Submitted Date 04/19/2023
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For now, my parents aren't asking too many questions

But there'll always be that eternal magnifying glass

Hanging over me like a cloud

For a while (pfffh, "for a while"),

they thought there was something wrong with me

Why did he like that kind of music?

Why does he act so American?

Why doesn't he want to be a lawyer or doctor?

Why is he so defiant

So did everyone else

Prayer doesn't heal wounds or stop bullets

Divine intervention is for the lucky few

But maybe I need to pray

Faith is in short supply

But faith is like any commodity

It follows the law of supply and demand

Simple…

I see what my parents don't see

I read in between the line as they yell at their flatscreen

At both the nightly and daily news

Perpetually running on the hamster wheel

Just seconds away from collapsing, running out of breath

I'm not lying flat, I just need a break

I'm opting to walk down a different road altogether

Watching videos of all of these young people my age

Announcing what universities they got accepted into

Taking so much pride in crafting their college applications

Announcing their new boyfriend or girlfriend

Showing off their first car or apartment, riding solo

Going on a vacation that they might or might have paid for themselves

I feel left out, cut out

Even though I'm not supposed to be a part of that picture, a part of that scene

I'm struggling to dream

Even though I have no problem falling alseep

When I was younger

I was so disinterested, so apathetic

I was waiting to die before I even started the race

I couldn't relate to my peers oftentimes

I disliked much of school

And felt institutionalized everytime I had to take a test or give a presentation on a book I had read

Maybe that's why I like telling stories

Infinite possibilites, infinite universes to be explored

There's always a new version of me waiting to be activated, waiting to be unpacked

I can always re-imagine myself and my circumstances

If I get good enough at my craft, finally I'll have enough worthy highlights to post on Instagram

One day we can all hope

But right now,

I'm struggling to dream

Even though I have no trouble falling asleep

The window nearby has cracked

Dusk seeps in a little

But the darkness still embraces me

That's what happens when you're poor

That's what they and their gods teach you

There's no ways up

So, all you can hope for is for some shit to trickle down

But if an an apple to defy gravity

That's the real inspiration that'll strike a match

and light a fire

I've been struggling to dream

Borrowing hope out on loan

Do I overlook everything?

Have I been missing the forests for the trees?

Everything my peers have

Larger families, access to more amenities and luxuries

They're creatures of comfort, which breeds a habit of decadence

I felt so out of place going to one of their houses

And seeing no food in the fridge

What an unlikely sign of privilege

I'm struggling to close my eyes and disconnect

Can't go back yet can't dig any further

You know what I say to that then?

Tear it all down, tear it all down!

Tear it all down, tear it all down!

Tear it all down, tear it all down!

Tear it all down, tear it all down!

Show me the fork in the road

I'll yank it right out

 

Inside of me the spirit of what's boiling

The 99% who've had enough

For the sleeping giant that has never truly known it's immense power

We've all been struggling to dream

and we will wake up

when God taps us on the shoulder

and when angels whisper in our ears, "it's time to believe"

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