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DIG DEEPER

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Submitted Date 06/21/2019
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Private Notes

I don't care

I don't care about anything

But then I do.

I hate the feeling of feeling

I want to be numb

And I almost get there

But then I don't.

Anti-Depressants made me a walking zombie

And that's not what I wanted

But now I can feel everything again

So maybe that is what I wanted.

I want to feel something

But I don't want to feel it all.

Sometimes it's blocked off well

Other days I can feel the pieces of my heart

Scattering inside my chest

I hate those days.

I want to give up those days.

But I don't.

I just dig deeper.

I feel it more, I let it consume me

And I realize that I am feeling

I am breathing

I am living.

What a weird feeling it is

To hurt so bad that that's all you can do

Is be glad you're breathing.

A wise television actress once said

"When it hurts so bad you can't breathe,

That's when you know you're still alive"

And now I know what that means.

Sharpen my shovel and dig into my feelings

Some of them I build another pile with

Some of them I throw away.

But the further I dig

The closer I get.

The closer I get to the bottom

When I can start over.

And wait for the day

When it doesn't hurt to breathe.

Stay strong loves, Sharpen your shovels.

We'll get through it together. <3

Comments

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  • Rick Doble 4 years, 10 months ago

    Keep digging! I have known people with depression who were in denial and never tried to deal with it. But you are dealing with it -- and that shows even more that you are alive and growing.

  • David Ross Washington Jr 4 years, 10 months ago

    I don't careI don't care about anythingBut then I do.
    I definitely understand this. Maybe it's the difference between my nature (caring) and nurture (not caring,being numb, and removed from things), or maybe it's my zodiac(s) (Scorpio - Water/Cold , Sagittarius - Fire/Hot).

    • Karmen Storm 4 years, 10 months ago

      I am a Cancer Leo baby so it could be just our signs clashing

  • David Ross Washington Jr 4 years, 10 months ago

    I want to feel somethingBut I don't want to feel it all.Sometimes it's blocked off wellOther days I can feel the pieces of my heart
    This is definitely me, wanting to feel, but not wanting to feel. I sometimes want to have control over my emotions, to pick and choose when you feel. But it's more so trying to turn my emotions on to care.

  • David Ross Washington Jr 4 years, 10 months ago

    Depression is so hard, it leaves after effects. I know many people think (like in my life), just because you're still alive, you're find. But depression lingers. It affects how you see the world, how you express yourself, your passions, your level of interest in happens. It's hard. Just because your physically here, and even seeming to be doing well, doesn't mean your heart and soul aren't a shadow of its once self merely going through the motions than truly pumping full steam ahead, e-motion.

  • No name 4 years, 10 months ago

    Way too relatable