CHAPTER 3

My mother was a wrecking ball. 

As humans, we do this communication thing and we have so many behaviors and social understandings and mores and norms. But, she did not see them. It was as though they simply did not exist. And, if you argued their existence, she became hostile. There was no equity or reciprocity in a single relationship that she ever had. That’s my belief.

“She called me the night before and said she needed a favor. She wanted me to leak the gas line into the house. She said it so matter of factly that you would have thought she was hiring a handyman to repair something. I did not really understand so I said I would be there soon.

I told her to wait before she did anything crazy. I told her to go lock herself in somewhere and not to come out until I got there.  I called her when I was about 5 miles away from the cabin, in the nearest town, and we met at a shitty café where the bathroom was so dirty that I did not even take a piss.  

She pulled up in Dad’s car, which she had borrowed.  I asked her if he knew she had taken it and she said he did. But, who knows…

She said that she was pretty sure that you were going to be the next victim. I did not believe her but I knew enough about how this thing works not to tell her so. I had to keep her close and keep her calm. So, I agreed to the gas leak and figured we’d work it all out in the morning.”

“You agreed to burn the house down?”

“I agreed to create a gas leak.”

“That does not make any sense.”

“I agreed to the plan. I said OK. I said it because I thought it bought us time. I don’t know how to explain that. I just know that life is so much more complicated than any of us is comfortable believing. Things are grayer, murkier and scarier than any of us want to say out loud.

Your mom would say things… lots of things… all of the time… but when you gave her a day or so, she changed her mind or completely forgot. So I thought this was another of those times. I really did. I thought if I could keep her calm, I could fix it.”

As he says this, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach.

“You were such a good little girl.” Ray looks down at his palms, covered in prison tattoos that would make my mom want to vomit. My mom being Alice, of course – not the other one…

I realize that my mind is drifting.

When I get nervous, too nervous, I tune out.

“Right, OK, so anyway –“

He looks back up. “Yeah, OK, well she was just always like that. I did not take it too seriously. I went down to the cabin to have a peek around but I actually never even went inside and I never leaked the gas.”

“I knew you lied.”

“I lied for your sake. I felt like I owed that much to you. I felt like I owed you that comfort…. figured if the monster was locked away, maybe everyone could move on. I knew how much I had to do with it. I knew how much I had let everyone down.”

“I get that, I guess. But, what about the monsters in here?” I tapped my skull.

“Which is why when it came time for trial like I said, I fought not to get death. I wanted you to know that you were not alone in the whole world.”

 “You always knew I would come?”

“Even back then, when you were so little, there was wisdom in your deep brown eyes that begged for sincerity. You were an old soul.”

“I have read through every bit of documentation I can find about this case and all I can see for sure is that your story is so unreliable it is scary. In fact, a great deal of your testimony in court is incoherent rambling. I am amazed that you managed to get yourself convicted.”

“When a man with a record like mine admits to murder, people do not tend to dig deeper on the issue. But, when I turned myself in I did not know that your mom was…”

“Dead?”