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HOW MY CHILDHOOD ALMOST SNUFFED OUT MY WRITING CAREER
Private Notes
Private Notes
Notes
"You can't do anything right. You'll never amount to anything."
These are the words I heard most of my life. No, these are the words I remember hearing most of my life. I'm sure there were others, but I don't remember any of them. All I remember is my Dad constantly on my case about something. He's a narcissist, perfectionist, and misogynist. My childhood revolved around whatever mood he was in. And most of the time, it was not good. I would constantly walk around on eggshells due to his moodiness.
My parents owned a restaurant and motel so the pressure was constantly on. I can still remember watching my Mom making huge kettles of Dutch pot pie and several trays of homemade pies. My Dad was the actual cook who fulfilled orders. I would watch him at the griddle and deep fryer. Sometimes I would just go out and socialize with our customers and employees.
I will never forget the day we left him. At the time my Mom knew that his moods were getting worse. I remember he called me back into the kitchen area where he was cooking. He told me that he was going to sell all my belongings and my dog. And that he wished he had a gun because he would shoot my Mom. I was terrorized. I remember running out the back door, across the parking lot, and into the house. I ran to my room and collapsed on the floor with my boxer dog Scuffy, wrapping my arms around her and crying hysterically. It led her to start shaking like a leaf because she knew I was upset. Not long after my Mom came over, and grabbed her typewriter, a change of clothes for each of us, her resume, and the dog. We went out the back door through the garage and left. My grandmother's house is where we ended up. And we stayed there for six months.
The next few months were tumultuous with court hearings and my grandparents on my dad's side harassing me. I was afraid to go visit him. But I had no choice. Once again I would live by whatever mood he was in. Some weekends I would fake an illness. I called my mom once or twice from my grandparents. I asked her to come to get me because it was just too much. I eventually disowned my father for a while. I just couldn't take it anymore.
In June of 2007, my Mom and I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Illinois. We moved there two months after that visit. I was not happy about it at the time. Now that I'm older, I know it was the best thing for me. It allowed me to get away from all the negativity. From there, the healing process could begin.
It didn't come easy.
They tell us that the parent of the opposite sex is so influential on a child. However, when you don't have that person, it can emotionally cripple you through life until you learn to get past it. Some of the issues I dealt with growing up included self-esteem, self-confidence, a hard time getting to know/relating to men, and relationship/dating issues.
Let's start with self-esteem. Having your self-esteem shredded by a parent is the worst feeling in the world. This is the person who is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader and support you no matter what. It is hard to live by the high standards set by a narcissist. You can always do better.
"Why can't you be like so and so."
If you didn't do something right, then let me hang over you and make sure you do it correctly the next time.
Didn't get straight A's? "You'll never amount to anything."
Have a creative dream you want to pursue? "Get a real job."
By the time you get older, you get tired of hearing that crap. And the worst part is, by then you believe it. I had to move three states away with my Mom when I was sixteen to cut the cord. To finally get his voice to stop. That's where the voice of self-doubt in own my head took over.
Self-esteem and self-confidence go hand in hand. It wasn't until I got my first job, my license, and my first car that things started to change. Little by little I became more self-confident. I no longer walked around with my head down, I learned to hold my head high.
Having a hard time getting to know/relating to men. This is something I still struggle with to this day. I don't have many male friends. I wish I did. I don't know why I do this but I psyche myself out as to whether I will be liked or whether they will just ditch me. I fear I come across as needy and emotional. Not my intention at all. I wind up apologizing all over the place for just being me. I need to learn to be myself in this area and let things evolve naturally.
My relationship/dating issues… Not having an example of a healthy relationship with a man, made my early dating life a disaster. I longed to be with someone so bad that I felt I could 'fix' every guy I dated who had 'issues'. If I could just love them enough, they wouldn't lie/cheat/take advantage of me. I allowed a man to treat me any way he wanted to. It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized that I could be loved for myself. He showed me that all men are not horrible.
If you are a guy out there and are dealing with a toxic Mom, some of these issues may sound familiar. Some people think you have to act like nothing is wrong and just suck it up and deal with it. They are wrong. Know that you too have worth and can come out in a more positive light on the other side. You are not alone in your struggles and feelings. Do not be afraid to reach out and get help.
As I have grown older, I have come out a better person. I am a happily married woman who is pursuing her dreams. I have an awesome husband. I no longer deal with self-esteem or self-confidence much. Sure, I have my days where I think, 'Can I do this?' but not very often.
As for making friends of the male gender, it is still a process for me. I still talk to my Dad every few weeks but now anything negative he says and does fall on deaf ears.
I'm content in my life and have a clear vision of where I'm going. If he doesn't support that, then that is his loss. Onward and upward. I've got this!