17 MONTHS

17 months

The mail bundle was smaller because he wasn’t getting those credit card offers with a low-interest rate anymore. His mountain bike magazines weren’t renewed nor were the alpine skiing periodicals. His museum membership ran out and they stopped asking him to renew, although he did get the occasional exhibit announcement. Obligatory birthday cards from aunts, uncles, and cousins stopped. The medical bills still came but they had become a trickle.

Ellen Wheeler shook her head when she walked from the mailbox at the end of the driveway. Seth had been dead for 17 months reminders of him were slipping away. She would always have photographs, memories, and Katz. Katz was a 60 lb. yellow lab. Ellen had a sister and a titanium network of friends, all who had been there when Seth got sick. They would be there again if she had so much as a hangnail. At 36, Ellen still had a life to enjoy and dating again was encouraged by her sister Nell and her mother-in-law. She wasn't craving children, but she'd like to have the option with the right person. He was dead, so she turned to online dating.

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Ellen wore jeans, black turtleneck, and chunky silver jewelry. Her blond hair skimmed her shoulders, which was an improvement over the unfortunate blunt shave-under she got when Seth died. It was her "grief haircut". From her profile, Bob knew she was a widow whose husband died over a year ago. If she said 17-months, he’d think Ellen was counting, which she was but Bob didn’t have to know that. A knock at the door and a howl from Katz caused her palms to sweat and she could feel crimson splotches appear on her face.

“This is your fault, ass-hole.” Ellen looked skyward and spoke to Seth. She didn’t know if his spirit was around because neither of them was religious, but she thought she’d give him a shout-out just in case.

“Hello, Bob?” Ellen asked as if it would be anyone else at precisely 7pm.

“That’s me. Great to meet you, Ellen.” He gave her a hug; Katz growled, and Ellen cringed. Bob was a hugger and she was not. “Is sushi good for you?”

“I can make that work. I did say I was a seafood fan on my profile, but raw fish isn’t up my alley. They usually have tempura on the menu, which satisfies me.”

Bob and Ellen went to a Japanese restaurant with a river view. To say that the date was an unmitigated disaster would be an understatement. Bob admitted that he saw Ellen as a challenge because she was recently widowed. He encouraged her to eat sea urchin, which she refused because she just didn’t like it. He wanted to draw her out of her comfort zone, which she was already out of, going on a date after the death of the man she loved. Ellen had lost so much but she didn’t lose her bluntness and she let Bob know at the end of the night that they wouldn’t be doing this again.

“Thanks for an interesting evening Bob,” Ellen said as he pulled into her driveway. His body language told her that he didn't think the evening went poorly. He turned off the car and turned toward Ellen.

“What are you doing this weekend? I feel like you’re making progress and things will be more comfortable over time.” Bob leaned in and met Ellen’s outstretched hand.

“Whoa, no. We won’t have another date, Bob. I’m not some experiment and I don’t need drawing out. I feel like you’re managing me, and I didn’t even let my husband get away with that.” Ellen stepped out of the car and looked back in at a shocked Bob. “Best of luck, Bob.”

Ellen’s ticket was punched for her first ride on the merry-go-round. Dating as a widow would continue for the next six months.

18 Months

Ellen was daringly dressed for biking on her second date with Cruise. Lycra shorts, a tank top and not much else. She had confidence that this would be her first meaningful relationship since Seth’s death. Katz went nuts and she knew her date had arrived.

“Hey, come in. I just have to check my tire pressure before we head out,” Ellen said as she invited Cruise inside. Katz looked at him suspiciously as he walked down the hallway with his clip in biking shoes. He sounded like Seth in that way, but Katz saw him as an interloper. “Have you come up with a route?”

“I have. I was thinking the Skyline loop because I know that’s one you and Seth liked. Worked for him because you married the guy,” Cruise said as a laughed.

Ellen looked up as she was checking the pressure on her tires. “How’d you know my husband and I rode there?”

“I saw something on your desk with his name on it, so I Googled him. Charpentier – It was probably harder to spell than Wheeler, which I’m sure had something to do with keeping your name. Touching tributes by friends and family and you of course. I could tell from the photos where the two of you frequented. Cool, right?” Cruise smiled.

“No; creepy and definitely not cool. You fucking stalked a dead man as a tool to get close to his widow. I kept my name for my own personal reasons – don’t assume,” Ellen said. She was pissed and felt violated, so that was the end of Cruise. Katz could feel the tension and growled.

19 Months

Cruise and Bob behind her, Ellen tried a new dating site with a focus on people with active lifestyles. Ellen loved tennis and it was one of the few things she and Seth didn’t have in common. Toby belonged to a local club and they planned to hit the ball and then eat lunch at a restaurant in the club. It was a sport to share with someone new – fresh slate.

Ellen met Toby at a coffee shop near the club. She learned that inviting a man to her home had dangerous consequences.

“Toby, I assume? The tennis bag gives you away,” Ellen said as she offered her hand. He had a good firm grip – so far so good.

“That’s me. I have a good feeling about this one. This is my first internet date and I’m nervous,” Toby said.

Ellen smiled. Toby was attractive, but he did seem a bit nervous. He kept looking around as if he were hiding from someone.

“Don’t be nervous. I haven’t been at this long and based on my first two dates, the bar is set pretty low. Let’s just enjoy ourselves.” Ellen picked up her bag to head out.

The color drained from Toby’s face. “Shit – I was afraid of this. Here she comes.”

A very pregnant woman walked into the coffee shop. She was raging against Toby and Ellen feared the woman would go into labor. Ellen’s bar just got lowered again as she scrambled back to her car. She immediately called her sister Nell, because it was so bad, it was comical, and she needed someone to laugh with.

“Hey, third time is definitely not the charm, Nell. I have to start writing this stuff down,” Ellen said as she sat in the parking lot. “Either that or I’m going to have to start recording my dates on hidden camera. I’ll be an internet sensation.”

Nell chuckled. “It’s funny to me but I’m sure you feel otherwise. What happened with Tennis Toby?”

“A pregnant woman crashed the party before we even hit the court. I don’t know the details but apparently, he has some baggage to unpack. I have friends, so I’m not lonely, which makes me question why the fuck I’m putting myself through this torture,” Ellen said as she watched Toby and the pregnant woman leaving the coffee shop. He had his arm casually slung over her shoulder.

“Think back to the feeling you had when you were falling in love with Seth,” Tess advised her sister.

“There are no words,” Ellen said wistfully.

“You can feel that again. Prepare for it to be different but you are too young never to feel that way again. No one said this was going to be easy, Ellen.”

“I know you’re right. I wish Seth were around to counsel me through this shit storm.”

“Your voice is trembling, Ellen. Go home, have a good cry and regroup. I’ll come over after work and we can brainstorm about the next steps to take.

20-22 Months

A blind date arranged by a co-worker of Nell resulted in Ellen’s first relationship since Seth’s death. She hesitated to call Mark her boyfriend, partner or any of the other labels she tried to avoid. Mark was a widow whose wife had been gone for almost five years and in that regard, they had a lot in common. Unfortunately, Ellen didn’t think it was something to build a long-term commitment upon and it was time to share her feelings with sweet Mark. He was coming to the house with pizza and a treat for Katz who had gotten used to having a man around again. Seth’s dog was suspicious of Mark, but he didn’t growl every time the man entered the house.

“It’s your favorite with ghost peppers and pineapple. I don’t get your palate but I’m boring because it has always been plain cheese for me. Did Seth share your odd taste buds?” Mark asked. “Gwen and I had different tastes when we met but after ten years, we developed a preference for the same stuff. Maybe it’ll be the case for us too.” Mark smiled.

Ellen wiped her mouth and surprised him with her candor, although it was time to be honest. "You and I may develop similar tastes but the thing that we'll always have in common is widowhood. Not a day goes by that you don't talk about Gwen. I'm the same way when it comes to Seth and I'm not sure that's healthy. Basing a relationship on a shared loss isn't moving on."

“Do you want me never to mention Gwen again?” Mark asked. He was confused but not angry.

“No; I don’t mean that. Seth and Gwen will always be a part of us and that can’t be denied. I’ll never be able to compete with the ghost of Gwen; no more than you can compete with Seth. It’s time to pump the breaks on this relationship,” Ellen said sympathetically.

Mark put his arms around Ellen and they both wept. “I know you’re right Ellen,” he sniffed. “Can I consider you a friend? Life has been a hell of a ride lately and I need one of those more than ever.”

“Absolutely friend and come see Katz whenever you’re in the neighborhood. He tolerated you, which is a huge deal. You’re going to make the right woman very happy someday – when you’re ready.”

“I’ll invite you to the wedding, which will be many years from now," Mark said. They sat back down and finished eating pizza.

When Mark left, Ellen thought she was done with dating for a while. With Mark, she could end on a positive note.

23 Months

Ellen’s phone rang a month after Mark and it was from someone who had saved her online profile. She had taken it down and vowed never to date again but agreed on a date with Bing. Nell encouraged her to give Bing a chance because maybe it was meant to be.

Ellen and Bing ended up at a French restaurant. They spoke politely during dinner and had a couple of things in common. He owned a bike and was willing to start riding again.

“I’ve enjoyed this Bing. We haven’t had an awkward lull in the conversation and the food was outstanding,” Ellen said as she ate the last bite of her pear tart. “I’m curious, what made you save my profile. I’ve never asked an internet date that question.”

Bing rubbed his beard before he answered. He had a hipster vibe about him and was probably a few years younger. “Honest?”

“Of course.” Ellen began to regret she asked the question.

“You’re a mature woman and I was attracted to that. I date women my own age and find they’re only searching for a free meal out of the deal. You’re established and wouldn’t mind paying your share of the bill, or more, at a place like this. Good food, conversation and hopefully something at the end of the night,” Bing said as he drained his $12 glass of merlot.

Ellen was without words while she put on her sweater. She was preparing to walk out on the asshole and never date again. “By mature you mean old. What you didn’t know that with a few crows feet comes wisdom and moxie. I’m not paying half the bill; nor am I giving you a little something at the end of the night. I’d rather pleasure myself with an egg beater than let you near me. Good luck – you’re going to need it and your hair will recede a good two inched by the time your 40. Later Bing. I’m walking. Ellen strode away in her in her black leather boots.

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Ellen cried the entire way home. It was early fall and the wind felt good rushing through her blonde hair, but it was chilly. Her feet hurt and when she was a block away, Ellen took off her boots. She started talking to Seth or to herself if he wasn’t listening

“This dating thing has been humiliating. If you had anything to do with this I’ll kill you – oh yeah, you’re dead already. Can’t you control things from up there? I had a stalker and a man who called me old. The dude with the pregnant lady after him, was a waste of a cute new tennis outfit, that I'll probably never wear again. The first guy tried to control me and Mark was nice but two depressed widows don't make magic together." By the time Ellen reached the end of her driveway, mascara was dripping down her face, hair a mess and she was shoeless. In her loudest voice, she screamed to the heavens. "You left me alone. I miss you Seth – asshole. I loved you and you left me." She shook her head like a dog after a bath and took a deep breath. Ellen noticed the neighbor was standing at her mailbox.

“Hi,” Ellen said in a meek voice.

“Ellen, right?” He lived across the street.

"I was going to put this in your mailbox. It's probably junk, and I've had it sitting with my pile of unread mail. I'm Rich. Sorry for your loss. It was a while ago, but I had just moved in and I thought it would be an awkward time to introduce myself,” Rich said as he handed her a flyer from the art museum announcing an upcoming exhibit.

“Thanks.” She took the flyer from his hand. “I’m embarrassed. You must have heard me talking to my dead husband.”

“You knew love and that was a gift that all the bad dates in your lifetime can’t take away. Give yourself a break. That flyer is for the upcoming Klimt exhibit. You should go and then get really drunk. Keep talking to Seth if it helps because there are no rules for how to grieve.”

“Klimt, huh. Seth loved Klimt,” Ellen said.

“Me too.”

“If I promise to look better next time, will you come to the museum with me?” Ellen asked.

“Yes, and I think you look fine the way you are, but the museum probably requires shoes.” Rich laughed, and Ellen joined him.

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Ellen stopped counting that day. Every month was a month without Seth, but it was also a month with Rich. Many months and years passed and Ellen learned to live with missing Seth and not trying to block out the feelings. She often wondered if Seth was listening to her on that fateful night at the mailbox.