Submitted Date 01/03/2023

Everyone is talking about this buzzword of "healing" lately. Focus on your healing. Heal your heart. I'm healing right now. But what does that actually mean? What does it look like? Does a healing person look like a woman at a party out dancing and living her "best life"? Is a man who is healing sober and working hard at being "successful"? Is it different for men and women? What does it even mean to heal? If there is one thing I have learned about healing through this journey of self-discovery and self-improvement I am on, it's that there is no definition of healing. There is no perfect way to heal, no prescription. No steps to follow in the process. There is no process. And now I'm thinking of the Matrix. "There is no spoon". If you are in the process of healing, you really are just committing yourself to being aware. Aware of yourself. Aware of your actions and beliefs and experiences that make you who you are. You commit yourself to honestly evaluating every trigger and understanding why you react the way you do to things. Is it authentic? Really who you are at your core? Or is it due to a belief you hold because of past trauma, an ego-based belief, or a deeply-held fear? Healing is pushing yourself into the darkest parts of your shadow in order to ask "why". Why am I like this? Why do I believe this? Why do I behave this way? It's a concentrated effort to become better, by your own standards. To be more than you were last year, yesterday, or even in the past ten minutes. Realizations come out of nowhere when you are dedicated to growth. Oh! That's why I did that.

Once you have decided you want better, more for your life, to find your true soul's purpose on this earth in this lifetime, the entire universe opens up to you. It's like your ancestors, spirit guides, angels, the universe, whatever you believe in, suddenly rejoices in celebration. "She's awake!!! She's ready! Let's do this." Support is everywhere when this happens. Even in places where you are not looking. It's up to you to recognize the messages, support, and blessings when they come to you. Return them to the universe with gratitude, even the shitty ones that hurt. The ones that make you feel so fucking awful you feel like you want to die. "Thank you for the lesson. I hate this pain, and I wish I could sleep for a thousand years and wake up when the pain is gone, but I know it's teaching me something valuable. Once I surface from the pain, I'm sure I'll see it more clearly." Those are the things I try and remember to say, even if I say them while I'm sitting on the bathroom floor crying harder than I can remember doing in my life. When it hurts that bad, you know it's real and true. If it wasn't, it wouldn't hurt so deeply. Things that you would never acknowledge to yourself because you didn't want to be honest with yourself can shield you from this kind of pain, but being dishonest with yourself, hiding from the truth of who you are and why brings you a different kind of pain in your life. It brings you inauthenticity. It brings you a life of repeated cycles in the 3D that are meant to teach you something, and until you wake up and ask "why does this keep happening? why do I do this to myself?" or even "what's wrong with me?", you won't find the answer.

The first two questions are valid and worth exploring. If you are stuck in a repeated cycle in your life, there's a reason. It stems from your choices, which is what it all comes down to in the end. We are humans on earth, our souls in bodies that were chosen by us long before we were born to live out the cycle of lessons in the hope that our souls will learn and grow and evolve. The third question, "what's wrong with me", while asked by many in times of despair, sadness, hopelessness, or anger can seem valid, isn't really a question that will help you explore your shadow side in a productive way. The reason being the answer is nothing is "wrong" with you. That implies that everyone's journey is to be held to the same standards of evolving and that there is a right and wrong way to heal, grow, and evolve. And there isn't. There can't be. In our society, haven't we seen what the effects are when we try and force the same values, morals, and beliefs onto each other? To try and put everyone and everything in a box? Yes, in some ways, we need rules and guides for living. Otherwise, we would have chaos. There are standards for behavior that help keep us in check. But beliefs can't be standardized. We can't all hold the same beliefs or we would never grow or learn. Listening to others' stories and how that shaped them and their beliefs doesn't mean that we have to take on the beliefs or practices of others, but we can listen with an open mind and take what resonates with us for our own growth and journey. Where we get lost is when we don't have a strong sense of self or inner guide for our journey. Learning to listen and stay open and evaluate our own intuitive response to the others we meet without absorbing or taking on things not meant for us as our own is a huge part of growing. Discernment is learning to evaluate the information or feelings that arise and decide what is for us and what isn't. Asking "do I need to take this on? Or is it unrelated to me and my path to my true self?" Others will cross your path, and it's easy to get caught up in relationships and take on their issues, beliefs, and emotions sometimes taking them on as your responsibility. That's a hard thing to do. We all want to be liked, loved, and accepted. And being around others that we enjoy, having fun, and experiencing joy in life is an essential part of living. When we meet people that we connect with, it's normal to take on the attributes of those people. You assimilate to the groups you hang out with and get caught up in the day-to-day of living a 3D life here on Earth. Being conscious helps you remember that there's a reason for every encounter, every relationship, and every event.

That doesn't mean that you have to be constantly vigilant, always all business of elevating and growing. It has to flow, and you have to stay balanced. That is one of the hardest things I think I have had to work on. Everyone has their own trauma or pain that they have to understand. I don't say overcome or deal with it because what happened to you doesn't just magically go away one day. You don't wake up healed suddenly and then go on to have your amazing life. With every stage of your life and every person you meet, your past trauma, issues, and beliefs will be triggered over and over to teach you a lesson. So going through a lesson and finding some peace within is amazing and great, but it can also lead to these euphoric periods where everything is amazing and you can be over-enthusiastic energetically. This is what I mean by balance. I am guilty of this on so many levels. For example, I'll have a great week or month financially and it will feel like everything is finally in place in my life. I'll be on cloud nine, spending, breezing through my days, putting my awareness in the day-to-day, and forgetting to look after myself spiritually or emotionally. Then, out of nowhere, things will take a turn and I'll be unprepared. I crash into despair and find myself in survival mode again. I withdraw into my little cocoon of self-care and regroup, hoping to turn things around. This is a cycle that I need to learn from because it is exhausting energetically and not the way I want to live. In many ways, it feels unhealthy to me because of the extreme ups and downs. Life is full of these, so I know that isn't the issue. The issue is maintaining my balance throughout anything that happens in life so that I am not swept up in the extremes. I imagine myself as a tree in the forest, standing tall and strong in a windstorm. I don't want to be the palm tree in a hurricane being bent to the will of the universe. I want to stand still and at peace, letting the wind blow over me and past me while I maintain my strength and balance.

To do this, I work hard to remind myself daily that I am grateful for the good and bad things that happen in my life and what they are teaching me. Also, not everything that happens is an emotional storm. Let's say I get a flat tire. I'm not going to beat myself up for not getting my tires fixed or rotated or looked at sooner. (yep, I know my tires are bad right now) I just acknowledge that I made the conscious choice to not focus on my tires sooner for whatever reason and that now is the time to deal with it. It's not a reason to beat myself up for not dealing with it sooner. You might be surprised to learn that my avoidance of basic maintenance tasks such as taking care of my car is deeply rooted in my daddy issues, feeling his disapproval over me not prioritizing basic tasks such as caring for my vehicle. Hearing his voice in my ear about how I should be taking it for regular maintenance and protecting my investment and avoiding more costly repairs. So getting a flat tire could send me into a shame spiral because I avoided doing something that my dad taught me was "right". That me avoiding taking action on my car is actually an act of defiance and rebellion against my dad that I take rather than doing what I know he would say I "should" do because I want to prove that I don't need his approval and I can do things my way. But really, who cares? What is proving that I don't need his approval going to get me? In this case, a flat tire, apparently. This is what I mean by awareness. A seemingly tiny daily event such as a flat tire can stem all the way back to a trigger for me that I should be working on healing not only to avoid being stuck in a shitty situation such as sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire but also finding a way to make sure that my actions are in line with my own values and priorities rather than responding in a way that is prompted by a belief instilled in me by someone else.

I didn't start out this journey able to look at my life and my actions with this level of honesty. It takes practice. When I said the universe sends you support, I wasn't making that up. I have been sent friends who have become family who all have helped me to look at myself honestly and to encourage me to be my authentic self. Ones who will sit me down and tell me what my ego doesn't want to hear. Things that make me feel angry and triggered and sad. So many people don't get to this point because they don't want to hear what they are being told. They take things personally rather than observing the other person as a gift from the universe. Relationships end, resentment builds, and people move on without learning the lesson. That doesn't mean the intended lesson from a person sent to you won't ever be learned. You might reflect back on past relationships that ended and realize later what you learned from them and offer up gratitude. They may come back around when you least expect it to try and teach you again. Or the universe will send you someone else to teach you the same thing. I am at the point where I work hard to reflect on the people in my life and try to see each one as a gift. Someone meant to teach me something. Sometimes you are the person the universe sent to someone else to teach them something. I'll address that later and we can wrap our brains around that more, but even if that is the case, you can still learn something about yourself. You can learn how to show compassion, unconditional love, and patience. You can also learn how to help others and be there for them by modeling and also not taking on the emotions or issues of others as your own. The tough part about this is you can't go looking for these people. You have to look inside yourself first. Start listening to your gut over your head. Pause when making decisions and question yourself over and over. Use thoughtfulness and intentional, conscious discernment when making decisions. "Am I doing this because it's what I've always done? Am I doing this because my mom/dad/partner/friends told me I should? Is this really what I want and why?" Question everything. Listen to your gut and your heart and learn to trust it. If you have trust issues, that is the first step. Trusting yourself and your inner voice. Each decision is like a baby step. Each time you make a decision that is aligned with your inner truth, the universe will reward you. This doesn't mean immediately or even tangibly. But the more you are aligned with your own truth and path, the more you will see the results of the work. Look for signs when you feel like you are lost. They are there.

Eventually, as you learn to trust your own inner voice, your inner dialogue takes over and tells you that you are not being honest with yourself. You check yourself and pause to reassess. This is tough as well because it's not like someone else is talking to you and you can just hang up the phone, block them, or stop talking to them. You can't escape your inner voice. Once it takes over, you have to listen to it. Training your brain to speak honestly to yourself is important. Be real in your brain. It's a safe place to do that. This doesn't mean you are allowed to beat yourself up. Talk to yourself kindly and give yourself grace. You are learning. You are human. You deserve compassion, love, and understanding. If you would give these to a stranger, why wouldn't you give them to yourself? If you mess up or make a mistake, telling yourself you are an idiot, bad, an asshole, or whatever negative things you say about yourself does you no good. You also don't want to swing in the opposite direction and get into toxic positivity. Seems like a lot of rules, right? Don't be too negative, but not too positive either. But the point is, whatever you say to yourself, say it with love, grace, and truth. For example, one thing I am guilty of is speaking negatively about people that trigger me. It's easy to do under the guise of humor or when with friends. "She's so gross. She is an idiot. She can't even dress, or sing, or even be funny. She's boring. She's a train wreck. He's an asshole. I wouldn't date him, he has nothing to offer." Pretty bad, right? All things I have said at some point about other people. Why? Am I an asshole? I don't like to think so. I work hard at being a good person, but I am human. So my inner monologue shouldn't be "I'm an asshole. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm a horrible person". I also don't justify talking about others in this manner by bringing up things they have done or looking for reasons why they are the way they are. It might help me understand them better as a person and maybe make it easier for me to be nicer, but it isn't necessary for my growth. What's necessary is for me to look at myself and try to understand my reaction to that person and what I need to heal in myself. Why does that person trigger me to feel insecure and to act in a way that is negative or mean? So my inner monologue sounds like this, "That was mean/unkind. I will be less judgemental. I don't know/understand why this person elicits such a negative reaction from me. I will be kinder." That doesn't always happen immediately. Trust me. There are times when I go days, even weeks or months before getting to this point. I will go as far as to avoid the person in real life, on social media, or in conversations in order to stop the negative flow of thoughts or the triggered feeling. I have deliberately gone to social media profiles of people who trigger me to try and evaluate my response when I was ready to dive into the trigger. That's super fun, let me tell you. So first, I'm triggered and behave in a way that doesn't align with the person I want to be. Mean, negative, bitchy, or whatever you want to call it. Then I consciously stop myself. I avoid contact. Then I address the trigger. This happens over and over again until I feel nothing but openness towards the person, or better yet, gratitude for the lesson. I don't want to give the impression that I get to this point in like 2.5 seconds. It's something that takes a lot of trial and error. It takes intentional thought. It takes courage. It takes honesty. And it happens repeatedly with different people, sometimes, in the same way, to help me heal one particular shadow and sometimes for totally different reasons.

So ask me if I ever get tired. If I ever just want to be done with lessons and have fun, live my life, focus on something else. The short answer is yes. I get tired. Like deep-in-my-soul tired. Like I don't want to be around people because their energy exhausts me. Because I'm afraid of meeting someone who mirrors my own shadows and forces me to work on another lesson. To not be able to just enjoy living without always seeing a lesson or a potential trigger. Yes, I get tired. It's almost impossible to get back to the mundane once you have started on the path toward healing your soul. If you are wondering at this point if you had the definition of "healing" wrong, don't. People go into therapy to train their brains to modify behaviors. To overcome traumatic events and help them to function in daily life. To be happy and successful and healthy. These are all good things and are healing in their own way. But when you are talking about healing your soul and overcoming generations and lifetimes of trauma, clearing karma, and working on enlightening your soul so as to find your soul's purpose, that is a whole new level of healing. It doesn't mean that any other type of healing is "wrong" or not real. It is a conscious choice to dig deep into yourself and grow into a person that can fulfill a divine purpose. So whatever type of healing you need to do, just know that you were put here to do this work in your lifetime and that you are loved and supported. Your healing journey is extremely personal, and there is no one right way to do it. Trial and error is needed. Be vulnerable, brave, and honest with yourself. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, but talking through things with those that are safe and hold space for you is an immeasurable gift.


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