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ADDRESSING THE GUILT IN SELF-CARE
Private Notes
Private Notes
Notes
With “self-care” being talked about so much recently, I thought that it would be a relevant topic of discussion. Self-care is extremely personal and can mean a lot of things for each individual. It can mean staying in and watching a movie or it can mean meditating for a half-hour everyday. But, it can also mean making hard decisions like cutting people out of your life or quitting your job. This more difficult aspect of self-care often comes with a lot of guilt and shame due to the fact that we typically don’t want to hurt anyone or burn bridges and feel selfish doing so.
As nice as it is to take a hot bubble bath at the end of a long week, that’s certainly not always going to be enough for you to take care of yourself and find inner peace. A lot of times, there are people in your life who may be negative influences that you need to take a step away from. Maybe you hate your job and no amount of right eating or doing face masks is going to solve that. Maybe the person who causes you the most stress and anxiety is your own mother or a close member of your family. Personally, there have been people in my family who have caused me a lot of distress and pain who I’ve had to distance myself from and it wasn’t an easy decision.
The guilt of potentially hurting someone else while making the best decision for yourself is a heavy burden to bear and often one that you carry with you for a long time. In fact, people can carry guilt about self-care in general and will deprive themselves of the care they need in order to avoid looking “selfish.” Being selfish is often something that we try to stay away from, but is it selfish to take care of yourself? Is it selfish to listen to your mind, body, and spirit and make changes in your life according to what you need to thrive? Is it selfish to cut someone out who constantly puts you through emotional turmoil? I’m going to have to say no to all of these.
There is no reason to feel guilt when having to take care of yourself. If you don’t put yourself first, nobody else is going to. If you have to remove someone from your life for your own safety or well-being, that is a beautiful gift to give to yourself and nothing to be ashamed about. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives and if we continue to enable them to use destructive behavior against us, they’ll never grow or be forced to reflect on their actions. In fact, choosing to ignore a problem in your life because it’s the easy thing to do is selfish, not the other way around.
We need to rid ourselves of the idea that self-care is selfish in any way at all and fully embrace a life full of making the best decisions for ourselves. You don’t feel guilty when you have to see a doctor when you’re sick, so you shouldn’t feel guilty making other decisions in your life that have to do with your well-being. That’s not to say that you won’t feel bad or sad when making some of these difficult choices, but we can’t allow those feelings to influence whether or not we go through with something that will end up being the best choice for us. As most of us know, the best choice isn’t always the easy one.
This post has essentially just been a long-winded way of me saying to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for making those hard decisions about what’s best for you. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest and to do what needs to be done to make sure that can happen. Live your life with a fierce unapologetic spirit because you’re too good not to.
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As nice as it is to take a hot bubble bath at the end of a long week, that’s certainly not always going to be enough for you to take care of yourself and find inner peace. A lot of times, there are people in your life who may be negative influences that you need to take a step away from. Maybe you hate your job and no amount of right eating or doing face masks is going to solve that. Maybe the person who causes you the most stress and anxiety is your own mother or a close member of your family. Personally, there have been people in my family who have caused me a lot of distress and pain who I’ve had to distance myself from and it wasn’t an easy decision.
Absolutely. Definitely that's not enough for true self-care. I need years of vacation to repair the damage done to myself over the years of giving to everyone else, but myself. I can also relate to family that have caused me tons of distress and pain, and needing to distance myself. The further away I am, the happier I am. -
The guilt of potentially hurting someone else while making the best decision for yourself is a heavy burden to bear and often one that you carry with you for a long time. In fact, people can carry guilt about self-care in general and will deprive themselves of the care they need in order to avoid looking “selfish.
This definitely happens, especially when you're an empath. There are sometimes people who don't directly say you're selfish for doing so, but make the decision harder in other ways, by continuing to need you and/or get in your space when you've made it known that you need your space. It's like, "I" have to come first, and if "I" want to help someone, I can't do it with my glass half full because I never nothing to truly give. We definitely have to command respect, if we want it. It starts with us. Love the article Sarah.-
Thank you, always! Love your feedback!
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Great message and writing as always Sarah! I'm currently struggling with something like this. Your advice definitely helps me step a bit further away from the guilt part. Thanks a lot for sharing!
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Thank you, Tomas! I'm glad that this was helpful in some way for you :)
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Very true! Great piece! Someone once told me to imagine myself as a pitcher. In order to fill anyone else's "cup" I have to first fill myself up. You can't pour from an empty pitcher.
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Exactly! That's one of my favorite analogies :)
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Self-care is only selfish if it leads to the neglect of those who depend on you. This piece was a really good reminder though.
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Being selfish is often something that we try to stay away from
Being selfish to a point is very healthy. It's knowing how far to go and how to strike a balance. You are no good to the people around you if you do not take care of yourself. -
Self-care is extremely important. There is no handbook we were all given at birth that defines how each of us should handle self-care. We are really not taught it in school or at home as to the best way we can be the best us in taking care of ourselves in the most positive and centered way possible. Sure, some can be selfish in their self-care, while others maybe are more selfless in their self-care. What works for one, may not work for another. It is something we each have to define and live by while feeling okay in doing so. The part of self-care that deals directly with others, the family member or friend who breeds negativity, the abusive coworker or significant other, can all bring heightened anxiety to the self-carist (I just made up that word!) I think a lot of us feel guilt or even shame for feeling like we have to cut out a family member, friend or partner who interferes with our ability to effectively maintain our self-care. I think those of us who are compassionate by nature feel that we do not want to hurt others and the very act of our own self-care may very well indeed hurt someone else’s feelings. But should you as the self-carist shoulder the burden of guilt or shame just so that other person doesn’t get their feelings hurt? Of course not. Now, having said all this, one can be selfish in their self-care. It is all about how we go about our self-care when it engages and interacts with others. We should be considerate and mindful when we confront those we feel we need to cull from the herd, not just drop a bombshell on them like, “you’re no good for me, later gator!” Is probably not the best way to approach dealing with someone. To me, the key is this…we must all be effective in our self-care, making sure we have balance as we do so, and have compassion even for those we are removing from our lives.
I have a very similar experience with some members in my family and I truly had to make some of the hardest decisions of my life that I still struggle with today. But, you have to listen to yourself and do what you have to do in order to live your best life. Always appreciate your comments :)