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CRUSHED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF EROS (PARTS 1 AND 2)
Private Notes
Private Notes
Notes
Part 1
I don't like who I become when I fall in love
My shadow consumes me, has me for breakfast, lunch and dinner
The wind spins in cycles instead of swaying left to right
The adrenaline flowing through my veins hits me like it's acid,
The concentrate is no different
My heart skips a beat,
Multiple beats and all of a sudden its a master at Double Dutch
As I lay on this slumped hospital bed
With not enough pillows to cushion everything that aches
As I have slimy and crooked psychiatrist after slimy and crooked psychiatrist
interrogate me more aggressively than they should
I think back to all the hours of sleep that I lose to you
And to be honest
I'm not entirely talking about a girl
Fumbling, tumbling and tripping in a drwan-out state of delirium
As my vision blurs, the Northern Lights visualizes in front of my very eyes
Might as well be on acid
Part 2
Don't hate the player, hate the game
But if you've ever played the game
You know what goes on
What you lose
What I've lost, it's all the same
Lost a lot of love
Lost a lot more hope and sanity
Struck out too many times
There's not enough to go around
I refuse to fight for scraps
And I refuse to have my heart eaten
for dinner tonight
I don't want to stop feeling
It comforts me to know that my heart stil beats
Donate as much as blood as you want
There's no escaping your own flesh
There's no ability to print another uniform
I don't want to crash
I need to remain on my feet
But when I reach those highs, imagine
a baby playing Peek-A-Boo with his mother, and when he or she opens its eyes for the last time
it's handed the golden ticket
But when I reach those lows
There's no ladder that I can climb to get back up
above surface
It's not like any of those things would eliminate the self-doubt
and the sharp blade of rejection
You'll keep writing the same lines, over and over again on the chalkboard
of your mind
We are our own worst critic
I just want the invisible hand to loosen its grip over me
I do not like who I become when I fall in love
But I don't like who I become when I'm angry, sad, frustrated, dissapointed or frightened
either
This situation is a lose-lose all the way around
Can the powers that be spare love to me, like a dog that sips the water from its very special
bowl
When I fall in love
I can't manage much, neither in the macro or micro
I'm a utter mess
But all I know how to do is project
I want the invisible hand to let go of me
Loose me, I rebuke you now indeed!
The one that brings me to my knees
and makes me a slave to impluses and
temptations greater than cake, porn, vapes,
weed, alcohol, sex, any and all of the Seven Deadly
Sins, etc.
Greater than be almighty be